How’s my characteristic mental makeup?

Ever felt stuck in yesterday‘s happenings? Worried about tomorrow? Or are you more caught up in today? Yes, Yes, and Yes. It’s kind of amazing how I can do my homework, talk to friends, practice tennis, and still have time to worry. I don’t hate life. It obviously pisses me off every once in a while, but I usually am an extremely happy person most of the time, but that also can be changed quickly. One word said (or not said in some cases) can change my whole mood from my hyper, manic, loud mood where I have a total groove going on to this funk, where I just sit, daydream, and wonder.

This is interesting, no?…Let’s explore shall we?

So it’s either
High stress
Distrust in the opposite sex (there is even some hate in there at the moment)
Constant daydreaming & Constant thought (about everything and everybody)
Paranoia and Worry
Very quiet


or

High spirit
Random actions and ideas
Loud and obnoxious behavior
Giggle fits
Random happy daydreams

I usually hit the whole “funk” after school, after I am away from my friends and I get to thinking of things that happened, or things that people have said. Usually I am extremely hyper throughout the day…and then, when I get home, that’s when I get all emotional. (It will come if something happens that sparks it at school, but usually I’m too caught up in being goofy to worry)

Now wasn’t that interesting!

Right now, I am tired as hell and just want to rest, I’m happy tomorrow is the last day of the week. I need a rest. I’m excited now because spring break is coming up and I finally get to travel.
But my mind is busy with some problems at home.

I sorta want to scream
but
I must go for now
Good Day

Thinking Of the Past

Today, i walked down to my granmother's house in the dark...this made me think of the past.

This was written The Night after my Grandmother Died.

You might have heard that last night, at about eight o-clock. I was called to hospice from Andrea’s house to go see my grandmother. It’s amazing how one can change mood so quickly and to such extremes. One minutes Andrea and I were jumping around to music, hearts filled with glee, the next minute, I’m crying on her shoulder. As I made it to the Hospice center, I walked into the room labeled “Trust” and the under the door way with the verse;

“Trust in the lord with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own insight.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Yet, amidst the people and tears, I saw her and my soul dropped. All trust seemed evanescent.
She was, just like my father had said on the phone, in horrible condition and unconscious. I listened to her breath slow and her life fade away. I didn’t think she would last the night.
She didn’t
Last night, on the 11th day, in the 11th month, and the 11th hour. Marjorie Swank,
beloved grandmother and mother, passed away.
Happy Veterans Day my dear friends.
...Happy Veterans Day.


Here is a poem I wrote after dad told me the news.

Slowly fading hope sinks into a heart
A feeling inside that’s cutting deep
One that ends up true

Woken up, her hand in her fathers
A young woman heard the news
Another life had ended tonight
One so close to her

Just a short time ago
Her grandmother took her last breath
And content, the last spoken to her
Were “I love you too”

----------------------------------------------

"Do you realize?
That everyone you know…someday…will die.
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes,
let them know you realize that life goes fast
its hard to make the goods things last…"
Flaming Lips "Do you realize?"

Death…it’s a fear in so many of us, and It’s all that has been in my mind since 11pm last night. My grandmother’s death, my family’s and friend’s death, my own death. That’s all been running through my head. Why am I so terrified? I believe in heaven, and that I will go there. But what if it comes early? What if I don’t get to accomplish the things I strived for in my shortened life? It just puts me in a state of mind that I can’t seem to pull myself out of.
Sitting here, stuck in a state of depression and contemplation, all I can do is write and draw. When I was awaken by dad last night and told the news, I couldn‘t cry, and that angered me. I heard the sobs of my sisters on both sides of me, I felt centered in this pain, and I couldn’t cry. I thought to myself. “I cried before, before her death, so why not now?” I feel back to sleep. This morning, I pulled myself out of bed and sat down at the table and discussed some stuff with my parents, still...no tears.
Now, all I want to do is be with my friends, away from home. But I know I have to be home, for my family, when they need me the most.